Alice--
Here's a question that I bet a lot of women have — I certainly do. As
a relative newcomer to sexual experience, I don't seem to be having
transcendental orgasms (like Sally in the coffee shop, or other such
movie scenes). The guy seems to have it much easier — it's all he can
do to keep from coming right away, but I can't focus enough to get there.
I think it must be psychological, because I can masturbate to orgasm when
I'm alone, but when I'm with my partner, I can get lots of good feelings,
but never the "real thing." This problem is often a source of tension
between the two of us — I resent that he can come, but he feels
guilty that he's experiencing this pleasure, and I'm not, and it makes us
both very sad. (I know it's not a relationship problem — we're
definitely in love).
----Waiting for ecstasy
Dear Waiting for ecstasy
You are absolutely right that this is a question a lot of women have.
They are looking for the "Look, Ma! No hands!" orgasm. According to
Shere Hite, only 30 percent of women orgasm through penile thrusting
alone. This is not about failure — this is about anatomy. Consider
this: when a man masturbates, he stimulates his penis, which is loaded
with nerve endings. During heterosexual intercourse, his penis is
stimulated in a similar manner. For a woman, the nerve endings are
concentrated in the clitoris. (There are as many nerve endings in the
clitoris as there are in the penis!) During intercourse, her vagina is
stimulated, but her clitoris is not. The woman who orgasms through
intercourse alone may be feeling pressure from her partner's pubic bone,
or feeling sensation from one partner's hand touching her "love button"
or clitoris. Another way women orgasm with their partners is by
masturbating in front of, or with, them. In that way, there is a bit
less pressure on intercourse, partners can take a risk with each other,
AND partners can teach each other how they like "it." Remember, sex is
not inherent — it's learned.
If you have other questions, try reading Lonnie G. Barbach's, For
Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, or Shere Hite's,
The Hite Report. Barbach developed and ran therapy groups for
pre-orgasmic women. The value of Hite's book is reading about women who
describe their experiences in their own words. Have fun practicing!
- Alice
Related Q&As
- What is pre-orgasmic?
- First intercourse: Minimizing pain and maximizing pleasure
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Women's orgasms
