Dear Alice,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than four years; we
decided to break up at the beginning of college. He started to go out
with another girl where he goes to college. He went out with her for a
month and broke up with her. Two months later, we got back together again
and everything was great. But then he told me that they had sex a few
times and he told her he loved her. He tells me it was just a rebound
relationship and that he was confused and didn't know what he was doing.
Ever since then, I've felt very insecure. I know he has not done
anything wrong since we were not going out at the time, but I feel so
insecure that I have to know what he is doing every single minute of the
day. I get very jealous. It's been over a year since we've gotten back
together and I still feel very insecure about myself. I don't know why. I
wish I could trust him more. He would never do anything to hurt me. He
loves me so much he even wants to marry me. I wish I could put it all
behind me. What bothers me most is that they had sex and that he told her
he loved her. I don't know how to forget about it and go on. My boyfriend
and she have a long time ago.
Sincerely,
Insecure
Dear Insecure,
What is really the problem here? Alice doesn't think it is about the
words "I love you." Alice agrees with you that your boyfriend did nothing
wrong. He used the terms of endearment, "I love you" loosely during a
time when he thought you two had broken up. Why he told you, Alice isn't
sure. Why you are responding so emotionally, Alice isn't sure, but your
own self-esteem needs some work.
What else is going on inside yourself? Do you feel insecure in other
parts of your life? Do you feel like a whole person without your
boyfriend (because you are, no doubt)? What made you two break up in the
first place? When you got back together, did you ever reconcile your
differences? What does trust mean to you? Does it mean the same thing to
your boyfriend? Have you both discussed what monogamy means to you?
How about what you each plan and dream for in the future? What could
change to make you feel more secure? Does that need to come from him, from
you, or from your relationship?
Only you can answer these questions. It's not healthy for you to have to
know where your boyfriend is all the time. Jealousy only compounds
itself. Think about these questions. If you still need to talk, try
one or two sessions at Counseling and Psychological Services
(CPS). Call x4-2468 to make an appointment. If you're not at Columbia,
get a referral from your primary health care provider.
- Alice
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Boyfriend said ''I love you'' to another woman
