Dear Alice,
My boyfriend went down to the Village last night and came back with a pierced cock and I am completely grossed out by this. Moreover, he wants to have sex with it on, but it is of the type that would definitely scratch my insides up. What should I do? Also, he's thinking about getting his cock sliced into two parts. Alice, he's freaking out on me. I'm scared for him.
—Weirded Out
Dear Weirded out,
Your boyfriend's piercings and "body modification" have weirded you out. It's not clear how long his desire for "body change" has been around, if this was a spontaneous decision for him, or what kind of discussions the two of you might have had to help you understand his current actions and desires. Your apprehension and feelings are valid, and a discussion about this is definitely necessary. Your challenge is to identify and then express what is bothering you. Is it the idea of the piercing? Or the possibility that he is doing this for shock value or is attempting to shock someone - you, in this case? Having a discussion makes sense so that the two of you can share your individual and mutual feelings. Then you can better learn about the meaning behind these new changes. And if the meaning and/or the process still makes you uncomfortable, you have additional information upon which to base your choices.
Piercing is often seen as an expression of sexual freedom. The piercing of a man's genitals can express sexual identity, serve as proof of adulthood, particularly in certain cultures, and attempt to enhance sexual experiences. Genital piercings may also represent efforts to claim one's body, increase sexual feeling, and/or push some limits.
Along these same lines, you need to feel comfortable and safe in your present and future sexual experiences. In the meantime, you can take a break from sex and/or penetration until you feel more comfortable with your boyfriend's new "addition"; resume sex with him using new protective measures; have different or less invasive kinds of sex together; or, decide to move on.
Healing is often faster with genital piercings than with those of tougher body tissues, such as ear cartilage, bellybuttons, and the nose. Genital piercings generally heal within one to two months. As with many invasive procedures, however, each body reacts differently regarding time for healing and recovery.
The Association of Professional Piercers (APP) states that sexual activity can happen as soon as the piercing heals, but mentions that hygiene and comfort for both partners are important to consider as one makes this decision. They recommend soaking a newly pierced penis in a warm saline solution or water before sexual activity to remove any crusty matter and using gentle movements until you, your partner, and your bodies have adjusted to the piercing. Barriers to bodily fluids and disease, such as dams, Tegaderm (a semi-permeable membrane dressing), and condoms are recommended to protect both you and your partner. Water-based lubricant is also suggested to help you adapt to this new addition to your boyfriend’s penis. They also mention that the chance of condoms tearing is not usually a problem. If the jewelry interferes with the fit of normal condoms (which it rarely does unless the piercing jewelry is enlarged), larger male condoms or female condoms could be an option.
Unprotected sex involving genital piercings can increase the risk of infection at the point of the piercing. Prince Albert piercings, through the urethra and out behind the glands of the penis, as well as Apadravya piercings, directly through the tip of the penis vertically, crossing the urethra, are known to bleed initially. A risk of tissue damage and systemic infections exists for the pierced person which could be exacerbated by sexual activity.
You also wrote that your boyfriend is considering a procedure called sub incision. This process involves a cut straight down the underside of the penis, cutting through to the urethra. It is a type of body modification that makes the penis appear split from the bottom view. You may want to discuss these modifications, your feelings, and the effect that you both think having this next body modification might have on your relationship - physically, sexually, and emotionally.
You seem concerned about not just your boyfriend's physical but also his mental health as you figure out how to handle this situation. Talking and listening to him as well as to others who are knowledgeable about piercings may be help you get the information you need to either feel more at ease or make a difficult decision.
You are in this emotional and sexual partnership together. You are concerned about your boyfriend's health, motivation, and psyche, as well as about your own, and you are questioning these changes. If you feel that he may need help because his behaviors are too weird, then talking with someone - a friend, family member, or health care provider - either by yourself or together, may make a difference. If you dislike or feel too weird or troubled by his current behavior, then it may be time to move on. Everyone has limits, and you may have reached yours.
Having a healthy relationship means taking care of yourself first, so that you can be there for someone else, the "someone else" that's right for you. Alice supports you in that.
- Alice
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Boyfriend pierced his penis
