Dear Alice:
You have an excellent service and give great advice. That is why I feel
comfortable asking you this question. About three weeks ago, a group of
my friends and I went out to a movie and then a club where we each had
some alcohol. After the club, we went back to a friend's room where the
group gradually dispersed until there was only myself, two male friends,
and one female friend. We began to play sex games. Eventually, we all
were naked, on my friend's bed. The female of the group was the center of
our activity. She seemed to want it and even encouraged what the three of
us started doing to her.
Although we all were tipsy, it was a great sexual experience for all of
us, or so I thought. My two male friends have no problem with what
happened. The only thing is that my female friend won't speak to us or
return any of our calls. I saw her walking down the street the other day
and tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't even raise her head to look me
in the eye. Do you have any idea what is wrong? Could my friend feel that
she was raped? I want to apologize, but I'm not sure what to do.
-- What's going on????
Dear What's going on????,
Although your woman friend did not say "no," either verbally or
non-verbally, this does not mean that she said "yes." Alcohol is a
disinhibitor, meaning that people do things when they're buzzed
and drunk that they may not otherwise do when they're sober. Your
question mentioned that she "even encouraged what the three of us started
doing to her." It wasn't doing something with her, but to
her, implying, to Alice, a one-sided situation, without mutual consent or
mutual participation, and clearly, she doesn't want to talk about it with
any of you, and that, too, needs to be respected.
Yes, your woman friend could have felt that she was raped. This incident
also could have been a trigger for other things, possibly bringing up
a painful experience from her past.
If she were willing to talk with you, make sure it's private and
"safe" for her and you. Let her know that you want to hear her
interpretation of that night's events, how she feels now, and
what she'd need to feel more resolved. Listen carefully. Do not interrupt,
criticize her, or tell her your interpretation. See how she's feeling
about the incident, and then explain what happened for you, if she would
like to hear it.
Alice suggests you reevaluate what happened to avoid getting involved in
a similar situation in the future. Consider the power dynamics -- in
this case, the ratio of men to women was three to one, and there was
drinking involved, so clear judgment was impaired. Finally, considering all
that was going on, was it even possible to use good judgment? Or, was,
or is, your good judgment telling you this was not okay? These are
things for you and your men friends to think about in order to protect
other women, as well as yourselves.
- Alice
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Sex with four friends -- Mutual?
