Dear Clitoris Swells?,

When a woman is aroused, tremendous physiological changes occur in her entire body, not only in the clitoris, but in the labia, vagina, and breasts. Muscle tension, heart rate and blood pressure increase. The head of the clitoris not only swells, but also retracts, or "hides", under its hood. This may explain in part why you cannot feel your wife's clitoris swell. In addition, you may be expecting it to change size dramatically, the way a penis changes size, however the swelling is much smaller in scale, (but not in intensity!)

Alice wonders if you are paying attention to the feedback your wife gives you. What would physical proof give you that her words, sounds, and involvement do not? By searching for proof of her arousal, you may be losing out on the pleasure you could be having by being involved in the moment.

As for technique, each woman is different. Some women like direct pressure, others prefer indirect. Some like quick hard strokes; others prefer long, languishing strokes. Some like circles; others like side to side, or a combination. Sometimes women like the movement to change as they approach orgasm, but need it to be consistent in order to build to orgasm. Perhaps this is the information you can learn from your wife. Try experimenting!

To get more specific ideas, you both may want to read The Hite Report, by Shere Hite, which is available in paperback, and may even be purchased at used bookstores. (Perhaps some of your friends have it on their bookshelves, dog-eared, but unread lately). The value of The Hite Report is that is describes how women feel and what they like sexually, in their own words. For example, one woman described her perception of the way her partner tried, unsuccessfully, to arouse her. "He acts as if he's trying to erase my clitoris!" This quotation may provide a springboard for you to learn more about your wifešs responses and preferences.

Alice also suggests that rather than worry about your wife's response, since it seems that she is certainly enjoying your sex together, that you lose yourself in your own feelings and responses. This may take pressure off her and may allow you more pleasure. In the words of Ram Dass, "Be Here Now!"

Alice