Dear Tim,

Alice acknowledges the shock, confusion, hurt, grief, guilt, mistrust, and/or other strong emotions you may have experienced since discovering that your wife is, and has been, bulimic. Your reactions are understandable since you probably assumed that you knew almost everything about your wife. However, Alice reassures you that your wife probably did not intend to hurt you by keeping her bulimia a secret. She may have wanted to let you know, but could not bring herself to tell you about it. Bulimics, nearly always, carefully hide their behaviors from others, especially loved ones.

What should you do? You have a lot of questions that you want answered, but it appears that your wife is not yet ready to answer them. She probably needs more time before sharing such personal, and likely painful, information with you. For now, just let her know that you are there for her when she needs you. Also, if possible, try to encourage her to seek the professional help she needs, if she hasn't already, since an eating disorder is usually a symptom of other internal issues or conflicts. If she is not open to your suggestion, then it may be best to approach her about this at another time. On the other hand, Alice wants you to know that people with eating disorders are not the only ones who seek help; their families and friends also seek and find assistance. You may want to learn more about bulimia. Speak with someone who understands, and share your feelings with her/him.

You and your wife are lucky to have a variety of good resources to aid you in your processes, individual and joint, to get help. By getting help, you and your wife may be able to better cope with, and understand, the varied emotions you have been feeling. If either one of you is a Columbia student, you can make an appointment to see a therapist (your wife needs to see one who specializes in eating disorders) at Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) by calling x4-2468. If your wife is also interested in some guidance regarding her eating patterns, then she can see a nutritionist at the Health Service (call x4-2284). If neither of you is at Columbia, then you may be able to get a referral to a therapist and/or nutritionist by talking with your health care provider.

You and your wife may also want to contact the The National Eating Disorders Association. The National Eating Disorders Association came into being in 2001, when Eating Disorders Awareness & Prevention (EDAP) joined forces with the American Anorexia Bulimia Association (AABA) to create the largest eating disorders prevention and advocacy organization in the world. It is the mission of the National Eating Disorders Association to eliminate eating disorders and body dissatisfaction. Don't forget to search through Alice's Fitness & Nutrition archive for more information about bulimia nervosa. In particular, read Overview of eating disorders and normal eating for more general information. And, an excellent book for you to read that is written specifically for families and friends of people with eating disorders is, Surviving an Eating Disorder: Strategies for Family and Friends, by Michelle Siegel, Judith Brisman, and Margot Weinshel.

Alice wants you to know that if your wife is not ready for professional assistance at this time, then seek the help you need. Take care of yourself first; in that way, you can be a stronger support person for your wife.

Alice

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